day number 3

well, i’ve made it through my third day. nothing too exciting, but tomorrow is going to be tough. after work, i’m going to my parents to celebrate my dad’s birthday. and i can’t resist my mom’s cooking. looks like i’ll be sitting on my hands or something to try and practice self control.

woo.

lets shed some lbs.

well folks, i’m back. and can i just say “where has the time gone?!”

so, good news first i suppose. i don’t have PCOS. just an elevated hormone, which the endocrinologist and dermatologist are trying to normalize and stabilize. still no cure for my acne though 😦

and the bad news. i’ve been lazy. no excuses, i have been eating like crap and not working out for what feels like 3 months. my clothes are getting snug, so that means only one thing….buh bum buuuuuum. i’ve gained weight.

however, i am terrified to step on the scale and get real, so i don’t know the actual damage. but for now, i’ll sit here in denial.

i moved at the end of july. i had to adjust to a new living situation [which i LOVE, by the way] and a new side of town. that bally’s i had originally planned on going was about 8 minutes down the road. and it CLOSED!! i was not happy. so about a month passed before i google-mapped the next closest one. after one visit, i knew it was not going to work out. it is inconveniently located and the staff wasn’t friendly. i couldn’t see myself going there regularly. we tried everything under the sun to try and get out of our contract, which is damn near impossible. so, i figured i needed to just suck it up and figure out a plan.

turns out, theres another ballys in a better location. still not great, but it’s easily on the way home from work, so i figured i’d check it out yesterday. it’s a lot smaller and outdated than what i’m used to, but it’s also a lot less crowded and the staff seemed much friendlier.

coincidentally, last week, my friend at work was talking about this diet that her cousin [who is a trainer] created for her sister and the weight was just melting off. my friend had been following the plan for about a week at that point and her “fat pants” were no longer her “fat pants.” typically, i would shy away from some sort of plan like this, but it really intrigued me.

so, yesterday i started it. it’s basically a high protein, low carb/sugar plan where you eat every 2-3 hours. i’m following it about 90% and i feel pretty good about it. it’s a lot of food and i’m never hungry. and i’ve said this before, but i’m feeling motivated again.

i have to pack all my food the night before work because it’s kind of intense — hard boiled egg whites, grilled chicken, etc. and i definitely do not have time to get that together in the morning. i’ve also been packing my workout bag before i go to bed too because i’m making it my priority to get to the gym after work, before i come home.

that is definitely really hard. the summer months are the busiest time at work and right now i’m doing the work of about 3 people and my average day is about 10 hours. so working out after work isn’t exactly what i want to be doing. but the last 2 days, it’s worked, and i have actually had really amazing workouts. so we’ll see how tomorrow goes — my bag is packed already!

for real. i’m serious. i’m getting back into this.

excuse me while i rant.

I’ve been slacking. So totally unmotivated.

Until today.

I got a kick in the pants that I need.

Well maybe once I stop eating my emotions.

As I mentioned previously, I saw a dermatologist to try and get my uncontrolled acne of 12 years hopefully under control. Well apparently that’s not in my cards quite yet. I got a call from the doctor when they saw my blood/lab reports. My stuff is all out of whack, so I saw an endocrinologist this morning. Apparently they don’t fully know what’s wrong with me, but something called PCOS [Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome] came up. I have to have extensive testing done on Friday. For real, I have to sit in a lab while they do a workup of a million things for 2.5 hours. Not only am I pissed about having to take more time off of work, I’m just so frustrated that they can’t figure me out. I’m disgusting and no one knows why. Apparently me being fat is part of the problem too. News to me that acne and weight have anything to do with each other, but because I managed to get the worst genetics in the history of mankind, it’s all making sense now.

Maybe when I’m dead and laying in a coffin, injected with formaldehyde, I’ll no longer have acne. Because at this point, it’s seriously when things might actually turn for the best. So I may be a bit over dramatic, but until you’ve suffered through this hell for over half your life, I’m pretty sure it’s valid. Seriously, every time I go to a new doctor, I get so excited that something might finally change. And then nothing happens but more guessing games and it’s absolutely soul crushing.

Ugh, I’m so crabby that I can’t even handle myself. Bedtime for sure.

daaaaaaaay two

today has been the second day [in a row] that i finally started logging my food intake again on sparkpeople. i’m kind of pissed at myself for ever stopping, and i don’t really know why i did, but after 2 days of recording everything again, i’m sure i’ve gained a few pounds back.

which is why i’m stepping back on the scale tomorrow to continue my weigh in wednesday ritual. i’m going to really kick myself if i’m back over the 200 pound mark. but, i’m sure whatever that number will read tomorrow will be the motivation to stop being such a giant slacker. i already feel more motivated than i have lately, so thats a step in the right direction. also, vegas is only 122 days away! time is tickin’ away and i need to look hot. lol. it’s not something that’s ever happened before, but it could potentially happen if i stop being so fat and lazy.

i did the 30 day shred again tonight [the second time now] and it still kicked my butt. my arms are sore right now just typing. i only did level 1 and used 5 pound weights. and as much as i know i’m kind of wasting my money right now by paying for a gym membership i’m not using, i know myself and i’m sure i’ll get bored with these DVDs and want to get back into a gym. but, for the time being, i’m certain i am getting a better workout from jillian michaels via my living room than if i were to drag my butt into the gym to do a pathetic 35 mins on the elliptical and call it a day. i’m going to try and attempt the tone the trouble zones one this week. i was also looking at stuff on amazon and i read good thing about the biggest loser yoga dvd and yoga is something i’ve been wanting to try, so i think i might buy it. i like the idea of building an at home option. i think that’ll help me not get so burnt out. i do know i want to find a good yoga mat — right now i’m just folding a blanket up on the ground and it’s kind of annoying.

WIW [weigh in wednesday] report tomorrow — i promise!

i did it! i did it! i did it!

i for real need to get back into this blogging — i can’t believe how lazy i’ve been!

so, last week i wanted to start tracking my food. well that completely went down the drain because i was at the studio for 4 days last week. but this week. THIS is the week. i’ll be back in the office, packing my breakfast and lunch, and eating dinner at home. there are no more excuses. based on my calculations, i’ve got 17 weeks until i leave for vegas. so i’d like to lose about 1.5-2 pounds a week [25-34 pounds total, which would put me at my final goal weight], which in theory, is EASY. i just need to really kick it into high gear. and part of that is my problem with always talking about it, but not actually doing it. so it’s time to DO something about it again.

now, on to the exciting [and probably excessively long] part of this post — the 5K i ran on saturday!! going into it, i was very hesitant and nervous. i really hadn’t trained much — i didn’t even get a workout in at all last week. i’d never covered 3 miles of outdoor terrain before, so i really felt like i had bit off more than i could chew. thursday afternoon, i drove up to my sisters house [which is where the race was] so i could have plenty of time to relax before saturday. on friday morning, we decided to take a walk with her kids, so we walked about 3.3 miles. it took us over an hour and we were both hurtin’ quite a bit. both my initial goal of finishing in under 35 minutes and my secondary goal of not concerning myself with the time, but keeping a steady running pace both flew out the window when i realized how unprepared i truly was. that whole night, i kept thinking “what have i gotten myself into?!”

saturday morning, we had to wake up at 6:30. that in itself is an accomplishment — i am NOT a morning person. i had a spoonful of peanut butter and some sort of oatmeal bar for breakfast, which i forced myself into eating. i wasn’t really hungry but knew i’d regret it later on if i went on an empty stomach. my sisters husband dropped us off so we could get our shoe chip and number bib. i was a little relieved when i saw the other people who were also participating. it was a nice spread of people, with what appeared to be varying degrees of fitness. i still have the fear of being the fattest person where ever i go — something that i need to get over eventually. as we walked to the starting line, we could hear someone singing the star spangled banner and i started to get excited. i couldn’t believe i was actually doing something like this! i saw the sea of people in front of me closer to the starting line. it almost felt surreal to me, like i was in a movie or something!

i don’t remember what really started the race, if it was someone counting down or a gun shot, but once the people in front of me started moving, i started a slow jog. i didn’t want to start out too fast, but then again, i hadn’t really done much outdoor running so i still really didn’t know how to pace myself. so i ended up just kind of going with the flow. i figured id’ just figure it out along the way — i really had no idea what to expect.

the night before, i made a special playlist of my favorite songs to keep me moving. the first mile was a little tough because i felt like i was dodging and weaving in and out of people to keep going forward. at the first mile, the clock said 12 something, but based on the songs i had heard, i didn’t think i’d actually been going for 12 minutes. then it dawned on me that i didn’t cross the start when the clock was at zero, so i knew i was doing pretty decent. however, the first mile isn’t typically too tough from what i’ve been able to do in the past. i kind of was just truckin’ along, enjoying the beautiful residential area the course went through. a lot of people were out in their yards cheering people on. there were also a handful of people who had their sprinklers running so it’d hit in the street, which was awesome to run through. it was the perfect amount of water to refresh. the race was early and through a fairly shaded area, but i was definitely very hot and sweaty. i learned though, at that first mile marker, that i can’t run and drink water out of a cup at the same time. i was so thirsty, but i managed to get more water on my shirt than in my mouth.

my 5k playlist. unfortunately, my timing was pretty off so i missed the last 5 songs.

i hit mile 2 at 22 something, so i was excited to have a 10 minute mile. however, i had to stop running as i passed the table of water. mostly because i needed a quick breather, but i also wanted to actually get fluids in my mouth. so i walked about a 1 minute, and then took off again. i was feeling pretty good. surprisingly good actually.  i had no shin splint pain at all. i was a little tired, but overall was pretty excited how things were going. towards the end of mile 2, i had to take a quick walking break again — maybe a minute at most. after that, i knew i had to be getting close. and a few minutes later, i saw the 6 mile sign [for the 10k later that day] with the 3 mile sign shortly behind it and the finish line in the distance. once i hit the 3 miles, i could see the clock on finish line and it said 33:38. that was soooo exciting, i didn’t realize i was doing so well, so i just completely booked it and gave it my all because i wanted to be in under 35 minutes. the last tenth was the worst — i seriously thought for sure i was going to barf. my clock time was 35:41, and i felt really good about that! as i was crossing the finish line, i did a huge fist pump in the air and i’m sure if there was any extra fluid in my body, i might have cried.

after the race, there were a TON of people everywhere, so i went and found some water and gatorade and stretched myself out. my sister crossed the finish line about 12 minutes after me with a giant smile on her face — i was so proud of her!! i’m glad i got to cheer her on in her final stretch.

6 months ago, i didn’t even know what a 5K was. and to think that i ran it and reached my initial goal was maybe the best feeling ever. i was so proud of myself for actually following through with something! based on my rough calculations, miles 1 and 2 were both about 10 minutes and then mile 3 was about 13ish minutes for an official finishing time of 33:46. yes, a WHOLE MINUTE to spare on my first initial goal. i was totally stoked when i saw my stats later that day. overall, i did WAY better than i was anticipating!

like i said earlier, the night before and the morning of, i was totally second guessing myself and being all negative nancy, wondering what i had gotten  myself into. my sisters husband goes “oh, i’m sure after the race you’ll be all ‘this was the best thing i’ve ever done!” and i told him that he was bananas. turns out, he was right! i’m already looking for the next race to run [and who i can convince to run it with me].

i thought for sure my shin splints would flair up on sunday when i woke up. but they’re perfectly fine! all my leg muscles still hurt pretty bad because i was not exactly trained like i should have, but it’s the good kind of pain. i’ll probably take tomorrow off too and then on tuesday, i’m going to start up the jillian dvds again, and try and at least get to the gym twice a week, since i am still paying for it.

below are a couple post race pics — i finished faster than my brother-in-law was expecting so he didn’t get any shots of me running.

i kind of look like a bafoon, but that was about ten minutes after and i was walking towards my brother in law, completely and utterly exhausted.

chattin' it up post race with my sister

way to go -- we did it!!

less than one week. yikes!

these weeks seem to be FLYING by lately. and i still feel like i don’t have much to show for it.

every summer, we do an annual photo shoot to build a library of images to use for the year. they’re typically about 5-6 days long and i love everything about it. the studio we work at is phenomenal. i honestly can’t say enough good things about them. and i absolutely LOVE the photographers we work with. i really only get to see them once a year, but they’re fantastic people and excellent at their job. we spend a lot of time together during these shoots and it’s really an enjoyable experience. lots of hard work, but it’s my very favorite part of my job. anyways, our annual photo shoot started last wednesday — and i got to see some people for the first time since last august. their response to my appearance was really surprising. i’ve really felt like i’ve been in some sort of slump lately, and it was really nice to hear some positive things again. our make-up artist has just recently lost 70 pounds and one of the photo assistants is a marathon runner, so it’s been really nice chatting with them and getting different perspectives on things.

the 5K is THIS saturday! holy smokes — i am NOT prepared. my plan is to only run once this week — either monday or tuesday. this way, when my shin splints start acting up, they’ll have time to rest before saturday. i’m going to try and get to the gym one other day. my goal for saturday is to just keep running the entire time, and hopefully i can finish under 40 minutes.

i’ve realized i’ve been avoiding the gym because i just get bored there and i have a hard time pushing myself to work harder. my roommate bought the Jillian Michaels 30 day shred dvd and i did it for the first time today. the level one totally kicked my butt, and i’m sure i’ll be sore tomorrow. but i felt really good afterwards, like i had finally accomplished something. she also bought another one of the Jillian Michaels dvds, so i plan of giving that one a try later this week.

after chatting with some of the ladies at the shoot the past few days, i’m really feeling the need to get back into the swing of things. hearing other people talk about their struggles and how they overcome things is inspiring. and i’m finally feeling the fire under my butt to actually WANT to do this again. i can feel my jeans are starting to get a little snug again, which is a sure sign that the weight is creeping back on. i haven’t stepped on a scale lately, but i’ll do that dreaded task tomorrow.

this week i’m going to ease my way back into things, and then next week is full force, giving 110% to losing weight again. i’ve got all the proper tools to do this, so it’s time to stop lallygagging and do something about this again.

on a positive note, i’ve finally found a dermotologist who is on the same page as me! [a little back story: i’ve had acne on my face/back/shoulders/chest for the last 12 years. i’ve seen about 6-8 derms and i’ve literally tried everything possible to not look like a 14 year old who hasn’t seen a bar of soap ever. it’s embarrassing and it has definately affected my self-esteem.] about 3 months ago, i went to a new derm, and he was just old fashioned and told me i had unrealistic goals for my skin. that really pissed me off. i tried his regime for 3 months, with no improvement, so thankfully i’ve finally found someone! just the fact that she was friendly was a relief. she actually listened to everything i said and seemed optomistic about helping me out. since i’ve exhausted every single other option of treatment, she has prescribed me accutane, which is an extremely potent drug, but highly effective. the only downside is that because it causes such serious birth defects, it’s quite a process to get and stay on the drug. i had to have blood work done on thursday to make sure my liver functions are normal and that i’m not preggers. she put me on the pill to make sure i continue to stay not preggers [not that it’s even an issue, but it’s something they have to do]. in 5 weeks, i go back to see her, take a pregnancy test, it comes back negative, and i can finally start the drug. every month when i need a refill, i have to go back into the doctors and take another pregnancy test to again confirm that i’m not preggers, and then i can get my script refilled. it’s a pretty intense process for women. but i really think it’ll be worth it. the drug completely dries up your oil making glands and because of this, some of the possible side effects don’t seem so pleasent. but i can put up with 6 months [the length of treatment] of dry hair and cracking lips if it means my acne will go away forever.

i did my typical sunday errand running today, and decided to browse the bathing suits at target. i haven’t bought a new suit in about 3 years because wearing a bathing suit is one of my top least favorite things ever to do. i typically avoid that section of the store like the plague. i managed to find a few that i thought were at least worth trying on — my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary party is july 4 at my aunts house, where there will be lots of swimming and hanging by the pool, and i decided i needed to just get over my bathing suit fear and find something new. shockingly enough, i not only found a suit, but i actually feel pretty good wearing it too!

this week i’m going to start tracking my food again on sparkpeople. it’ll be a little tough on monday and tuesday because they order lunch for us at the shoot and in general i don’t have a lot of control over what and when i’ll be eating. it’s also really hard to have self control because there is so much food available to eat. wednesday will be fully commited, and then thursday will be tough because i’m going out to dinner with some work folks to see an old co-worker thats in town, and then i’m heading off to michigan to my sisters house for the weekend. i just need to remember to make good choices!

tee minus twelve days.

the 5K is less than 2 weeks away and i’m really starting to freak out. i got a run in yesterday, but only about a mile and a half. overall, i felt good and i wanted to keep going, but these stupid shin splints really ruined my afternoon. i’m afraid of over-doing it because of my past tibia fracture a few years back. i also made the poor decision of running at 1PM — it was so hot. i’ve been told not to worry because on race day, i’ll hopefully have some extra adrenaline running through my blood to keep me going longer, and i’ll also be running with other people, which should help me pace myself and give me some friendly competition to keep going.

i’ve been keeping my calorie intake on the lower side. mostly because i’m broke and can only afford to go grocery shopping every few weeks. but i’m getting by. i’m still maintaining, so i feel good.

my friends and i have decided that we want to go to vegas for halloween weekend. i’d like to lose atleast another 20 pounds, maybe even 30. and i think i can do it. i KNOW i can do it. i’ve got a solid 4 months to do it. so i feel excited to have a new goal to work towards.

Flashing. Lights.

i really truly thought that once the weather got nice, i’d be a workoutaholic. turns out it has the exact opposite effect. i’m still kind of trying — mostly just wanting to stay healthy.

i’ve kind of just been laying low for a few different reasons:
– i’ve been more focused on personal relations instead of being at the gym for hours in the evening. i want to spend more time with the people i love.
– i’ve tried to not be such a nazi about everything and loosen up. turns out i can maintain this 25 pound loss pretty comfortably. i’m not losing anything. but i’m also not gaining anything either, and that makes me VERY happy. it just seems that every weekend there’s something else going on, i try and recommit myself to the regime on monday, and it’s down the drain by wednesday or thursday.
– i’m starting to actually feel comfortable in my own skin. this is a very big deal to me. when i get ready for work in the morning, i walk around with just my bra and underwear on and get dressed at the very last minute. i wouldn’t have ever done that 6 months ago. hell, i don’t even care that my windows are open. i by no means have “hot body” but i finally feel ok about what is looking back at me in the mirror. i’ve finally started feeling like i look normal with my friends. and i think that comfort with myself is starting to translate into confidence. i can honestly say that i’m happy!
– this is kind of a side note, but i need to not lose any more weight for a while because i can’t afford new clothes! it gets expensive, and i’m really liking my clothes that i have now and i want to wear them out.

so, that being said, i’m still concious about what i’m doing. just in a bit more relaxed state. i’m trying to get in alteast 2 runs a week. and my eating is pretty decent during the week but the weekends are disasterous. the insane work season is about to start and yesterday my roommate and i were approved at a new apartment complex, so we’re moving in 45 days.

one of my very good friends from college got married this past weekend, so last weekend was her bacheloretter party. i’m so happy i was able to shed 25 pounds before those events. not only was i able to buy and wear dresses i never would have even looked at, let alone try them on and look great. after looking through the million pictures that were taken, i was so happy to know that i looked good. i didn’t need others assurance on how i looked because i knew in my heart that i had changed into a new and improved version of me. i feel so vain, but this feeling of self love is amazing. i’ve never had it before.

i’ve added a few new pictures to their respective home here. and i really want to try and get back into this blogging again. i forget how much i like it.

slowly getting back on track…

i am officially the worst blogger ever!

i know i’ve been kind of busy, but nothing out of the ordinary.

on wednesday morning, i weighed in at 198.6, which was about 4 pounds up from what i remember weighing in 2 weeks ago. i knew it was coming. i’d been lazy and eating like a cow. so starting on wednesday, i decided i wanted to get my eating under control again. all day i had been feeling kind of off, but i just figured my body was ‘detoxing’ or something because it’d been so long since i hadn’t been eating ‘right’. i had an appointment with chris and i really didn’t want to cancel, so even though i wasn’t feeling my best, i just needed to bust out a good workout.

things were going ok at first. i told him the truth, that i hadn’t been to the gym in over a week. but he said it was ok because my body needed a vacation anyways, since i’d been training like an athlete. HE CALLED ME AN ATHLETE! anyways, i started feeling a little light headed about halfway through our session, but i wanted to keep going. i was feeling strong and loving the butt kicking i was receiving. and then things went downhill real quick. i thought i was going to throw up, so we walked around the track. i never felt better, so i ran down to the bathroom and puked. sorry, TMI. i signed my card with chris and told him i’d schedule later because i was going to toss my cookies again. and i did. that drive home was tough. i don’t know if i had the flu or what, because for the rest of the night, i wasn’t really feeling much like myself.

thursday and friday were ok, but not really on track. i’ve never had allergy problems before, but i think my time has come. i was just really exhausted and the thought of getting to the gym, let alone have a good work out. i was all congested, sore throat, sinus pressure.

saturday, my roommate and i made each other go to the gym. i was feeling energized and i knew i wanted to run. the 5k is right around the corner! i know you’re supposed to increase mileage or time by 10 percent, but again, i just wanted to see how long i could go. i made it to the 2 mile marker in 21 minutes flat, which excited me and fueled me to keep going. but at about 2.25, i needed to drink some water and walk for a bit. i walked a quarter of a mile, so at mile 2.5, i decided to start running again. i was picking up my pace and i was feeling really good. i was tired, but i wanted to get to 3.1 so bad. my music kept me going — every song was perfect. i love how that happens. anyways, i finished the 5K in 34:42. my goal for the one i run for real in june is to be under 35 minutes, so i thought i was making really good progress. also, what excited me the most, was that my muscle were sore, but no signs of shin splints or any other bone related pain. i was sore the following day, but it was all muscular soreness. this really made me even happier.

today, i decided i was going to run outside. it’s been pretty nice out and i know it’s typically tougher than running on a treadmill. i was a little under prepared. i kind of was just running — i didn’t have a planned route.  9 minutes later, i thought i was going to die. thank god i was back home. it was so incredibly hard — i’ve got my work cut out for me. i had to run some errands tonight so i drove the route i ran to see how far it actually was. and it was a pathetic 6 tenths of a mile. i don’t know if some of my struggle was because my chest was burning from my newly formed allergies, but it was a lot harder to breathe.

my goal for tonight is to figure out a real route to run, and at least get out there for run/walk sessions. also, i bought a lot of amazing fresh produce tonight at the grocery store, so i’m slowly getting back on track. and i don’t know if this theory actually works, but part of me is thinking that even though i’ve been taking it easy these last few weeks, when i start moving and doing things right again, the weight will start to fall off. a girl can atleast hope, right? 🙂

so much for today…

ugh, so do i start with the good news or the bad news?

eh, i’ll get the crap out of the way.

i was supposed to “restart” today. and that went down the drain when i got to lunch and had another lunch meeting. i don’t know what my compulsion to eat free food is, but i need to stop. i had a honeybaked ham boxed lunch. with a huge cookie. and a regular pop. and i managed to eat all my other food during the course of the day as well. after feeling like fatty mcfat for the day, my roommate texts me to inform me that she’s grilling burgers for dinner. so instead of going to the gym like i should have, i hung out with my roommates and enjoyed a nice evening cookout instead. to top it off? ice cream sundaes, waffle bowls and all.

of course, i overate and [still] feel like poop. and i’m annoyed with myself because yet again, i can’t even control myself. i don’t even know how i was even capable of being so rigid 5 months ago. maybe i’m getting burnt out. i don’t know.

the good news though? i finally bought a bathing suit to do laps at the gym pool! i got a great deal on a Nike one-piece [size 12!] that’s all black with a little white at the top. now i just need to work up the guts to not be so self-conscious and actually use it….

for real, tomorrow i will be tracking EVERY SINGLE MORSEL that enters my mouth AND going to the gym. maybe watching the finale of the biggest loser will reignite a fire under my butt. i just don’t want to sit and watch all three hours of it – thank god for DVR!